


Mama Troi's Space Station Adventure

by bongbingbong



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Garak makes kinky shit for people after hours, Gen, Holograms try to understand sex, Sex references but as written by an asexual, shameless flirting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-04
Updated: 2020-06-04
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:20:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,330
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24532174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bongbingbong/pseuds/bongbingbong
Summary: Lwaxana Troi arrives on DS9, and she's looking for Odo. Shenanigans ensue.
Comments: 8
Kudos: 22
Collections: Deep Space Discord Literary Universe





	Mama Troi's Space Station Adventure

**Author's Note:**

> This is a bit of a fluffy interlude because the last two long fics I've written have been A Lot. Featuring the overwhelmingly ace DSD crew trying to deal with Lwaxana Troi and her hologram offspring Giuditta.

Giuditta had a particular talent for reclining. It wasn’t to say that they did it in the physical sense, but whenever they were around, sitting or standing, even walking around - there was this innate sense of… leisureliness to it. It was even more apparent right now since they were currently wearing their off-duty visuals, which - among other extremely colourful clothing items - included a soft pink robe printed with stars that billowed about them whenever they moved. Garak wondered who programmed their outfits.

They were currently leaning back on their hands like they were on a beach lounge rather than perched on his cutting counter, swinging their legs. There was a PADD on the countertop between the two of them with a new design that a Bolian gentleman had recently requested. For holodeck use. Discreetly.

When the gentleman in question said he wanted discretion, he had meant it to the point where he simply would not outline in plain terms what it was about the current design of this harness that was bothering him so much. Hence his requirement of the services of the station’s archivist for interspecies sexual intercourse. 

“That’s never going to cut it,” said Giuditta, angling their head to the side, “it’s not, ah, you don’t have the right shape!”

“Not so loud, my dear,” said Garak, his gaze flitting towards the door of his shop. He was definitely closed for the morning, but customers tended to love acting like they couldn’t read.

“You are designing for a Bolian and Bolian coupling, yes?” said Giuditta, but now in a very loud stage whisper.

“Yes,” sighed Garak. 

“There is not enough room,” Giuditta continued, “when they are coupling, they have the ridge that goes along the centre-” they drew a finger down their face and chest to demonstrate, “-and it goes all the way down, where they need to-”

“Giuditta darling!”

A bolt of fear lanced through Garak’s chest at the voice from the doorway. There stood Lwaxana Troi, one hand on either side of the door frame, clad from head to toe in iridescent fuschia taffeta, posing like she was on the cover of a magazine. She, too, was _reclining._

“Mama Troi!” Giuditta hopped off the counter and ran over to give her a hug, leaving Garak scrambling to shut off the PADD display.

“I was just explaining to Garak that you have to leave more room when you’re making your sex toys for Bolians,” she said, taking Lwaxana by the hand and leading her in.

“Hmm yes, because they tend to pop open along that ridge,” said Lwaxana thoughtfully, “I can see I’ve taught you well!”

Garak plastered a pleasant smile on his face, forcing back a scream.

“Ambassador, I wasn’t expecting you to come and pick up your dress for another week. Has there been a change of plans? I can fast-track the design if you like,” he said, as politely and evenly as he could. Carefully keeping his mind blank.

“Garak you sweet lizard, you needn’t do that - I’m not here for the dress yet,” she paused for a moment, seemingly hesitating, “...could you tell me something?”

“Of course, Ambassador.”

“Have you seen Odo around the station at all today? I’m told he’s very punctual with his patrols.”

Garak tilted his head to the side as he cast his mind back.

“No, I can’t say I have. Perhaps he might be caught up with the senior staff on something pressing. I’m sure a visit to his office might clear that up.”

“Oh you!” said Lwaxana, shoving playfully at Garak’s shoulder, “you’re just trying to get rid of me, aren’t you? Well, I shan’t take up any more of your time. Giuditta darling, come by my quarters any time, we should chat! I’ve got plenty more exciting bits and pieces for your data banks.”

“Okay!” grinned Giuditta, waving as Lwaxana sailed elegantly out of the shop. Garak sagged as she left, feeling like he’d just run a mile. She tended to have that effect on people.

*

“What about this one, guys?”

Bond and Ahna turned around to look at what Avie was holding up. In her hands was a book, titled _Call Him Daddy: Ten More Ways To Spice Up Your Husband’s Life._ Bond snatched the book out of her hands and stalked up to the counter.

“Excuse me Alex,” she said, slamming it down on the counter, “what the hell is this?”

Alex peered down at it in surprise, then laughed.

“Oh, that’s an old Terran title. Why?”

“What the hell are you doing stocking books like this?” 

“... Because they’re funny? You got that one out of the comedy section, right?” said Alex, now slightly confused, “there’s a great bit about this old confection called pop rocks, and they even suggest that you put some in your mouth, so you-”

Bond cut her off by turning around.

“Avie, where did you get this?”

Sure enough, Avie pointed at the comedy section.

“Sweetheart,” said Ahna, taking her by the arm, “you’re not supposed to take the books in this section seriously.”

Avie’s expression came dangerously close to a pout.

“But I want to know more about Terran customs - whenever I ask about them Robertson keeps giving me books like the Pride and the Prejudices or… whatever that awful, boring thing was and I know you’re not all _that_ repressed, because I’ve seen you-”

“Wait, wait. Robertson gave you _Pride and Prejudice_ to try and explain Terran romance practices?” said Alex, choking back a laugh.

“Oh, my sweet girl,” said Ahna, “I know you’re technically married, but Robertson is maybe the last person you want to ask about that sort of thing,” 

Avie crossed her arms, “okay well, who should I be trying to ask then?” she said.

“Yoo-hoo!” 

Lwaxana’s dress fluttered out behind her as she strode smoothly into the room, greeting everybody with a warm smile. She went right up to Alex’s desk and perched herself on it, the picture of stately elegance.

“Hello there, my dear,” she said, giving Alex a wink, “I wonder if you might be able to help me?”

“Um,” they replied, “s-sure! What are you looking for?”

Lwaxana raised her eyes to the ceiling, a wistful expression coming over her features.

“A gift,” she said, “for the man who has nothing.”

“O...kay,” Alex replied, opening up their database, “well, er, if you’re looking for a gift, perhaps something a little on the lighter side might be good… does the gentleman in question have any preferences?”

“You know what?” said Lwaxana, “I haven’t the faintest idea. I wonder if he’s ever even read a book in his life. Or done anything for leisure, to be honest.”

“Ambassador,” said Bond slowly, “you wouldn’t happen to be talking about… Constable Odo, would you?” 

“Yes I am actually! You’re a perceptive young thing, aren’t you?” she said, pinching Bond’s cheek. Bond managed not to react.

“Anyway, I would just love something nice for him. Nothing too heavy.”

“Really? Because I could see him reading War and Peace and having a great time,” muttered Bond.

“Why don’t you try some Bajoran literature?” suggested Ahna, wandering towards the relevant section. She paused, scanning the shelves.

“We sure do have a lot about the prophets here, don’t we?”

“Why don’t you try a children’s classic?” came a voice from the other side of the shop. Tal emerged from behind a pile of books, holding a few selections in her hands. 

“Tal!” exclaimed Lwaxana, going over and kissing her on both cheeks. Tal handed her the selections with a smile, and Lwaxana flicked through them.

“I didn’t know you were on the station, you’re a long way from home!” she said.

“Yeah, well - Risa was getting boring so I’m on a kind of... extended holiday, you could call it.”

“Well, I’m glad you’re here, my dear,” said Lwaxana, squeezing her shoulder fondly. Bond and Ahna looked on in amazement.

“Wait, but how do you two know each other?” Bond blurted out.

“Oh! Tal here knows _all_ of the most important and exciting secret spots on Risa,” said Lwaxana with a secret little smile.

“Do I wanna know?” said Bond, “I’m almost sorry I asked,”

“I’m not sure what you’re insinuating!” said Lwaxana, although her eyes sparkled with mischief, “I was merely referring to the secret hot springs around the back of the lagoon. And the underground bar where everybody wears night vision goggles. Oh, and there was this spherical island just off the coast she took me to once where there’s just the most _divine_ dessert bar…” 

“Yeah, I can’t imagine there are too many secret hotspots for you to discover around here,” said Bond, “at least, ones we don’t know about.”

Lwaxana pulled out a book with a very bright, old-fashioned illustration on the cover and put it down on the desk.

“I’ll take this one, it looks absolutely charming,” she said.

“You’d be surprised!” said Tal, “I mean, there’s heaps of crazy stuff around here. Like for example, hardly anyone knows about the gay bar behind the Vulcan embassy.”

“The _what_?” said Ahna.

Lwaxana’s eyebrows both raised.

“Do they not? That explains why I haven’t seen many of you lot around there, I guess. I just assumed you didn’t drink!”

*

There was a table for two in Quark’s bar, one tucked around the side with a good enough view of everybody in the establishment while still affording a little bit of privacy, that people generally referred to as “Lwaxana’s spot.” At this point, barely anyone sat there at all - not because they weren’t allowed, but it just had a certain something. An aura about it. At one point she had even brought a little gong along with her in case she fancied a meal there (which Bond for some reason was obsessed with ringing once she’d had a few)

Lwaxana sat there now, knowing that it was about time for a certain Chief of Security to make his patrol.

“E-excuse me Ambassador Troi,” said a soft voice at her side. Lwaxana looked over to see a shaggy-haired human in a horrendous sweater hovering near her, holding a PADD.

“I take it you’re not here to take my order,” she said kindly, her eyes crinkling at the corners as she smiled. The human huffed out a nervous laugh.

“No Ambassador, I’m not - I, ah, my name’s Robertson, I handle some of the diplomatic communications here and I just had a question about Betazoid greeting customs, and I thought - I thought perhaps you might be able to help-”

“Of course!” said Lwaxana, patting the table in front of her, “here, sit down with me. What do you want to know?”

 _So this is the poor, repressed dear they were talking about in the bookshop,_ she thought.

“Oh! Oh, I couldn’t possibly, I have to be off quite quickly I’m afraid - lots to do,” they babbled, “I just thought, if you were here, if you could let me know which one of these is the full title I ought to be using when addressing Director Grax in official communications,”

They held the PADD out to her and she scanned the list.

“Well, as they often say my dear, the bigger the better. If you’re trying to actively impress the man, I would go with his full title - oh, you haven’t included his house, here, let me fix that for you-” she slowly typed in her amendment using one finger, “- there! I don’t envy you having to deal with Reittan, he’s such a dreadful bore, terrible taste. Now, having said that, if you’re looking for a more official, standoffish angle - say you’re trying to establish some boundaries in the-”

Lwaxana paused, watching Robertson’s lips move imperceptibly as they silently repeated everything she was saying in order to follow along. In the back of her mind, her voice came back to her in a strange, sluggish feedback loop, as if she was straining to hear herself through water. The voices in the bar swelled into a wall of sound around her, the lights prickled, the smells; she felt the uncomfortable scratch of a sweater that was a last resort because it was washing day and everything was vibrating at a frequency that was just a little too-

“My dear,” she said, shaking her head to clear it, “when was the last time you ate?”

*

This was how it came to be that Lwaxana Troi, daughter of the Fifth House, holder of the Sacred Chalice of Rixx, heir to the Holy Rings of Betazed, ended up sharing a very large chocolate sundae with the station’s resident literacy teacher. As it turns out, she had been absolutely correct; Robertson could barely remember the previous day at all, let alone when they had last eaten. That sort of thing tended to exacerbate sensory overloads of all kinds, which Lwaxana could empathise with.

“So tell me about your wife, Robertson,” said Lwaxana, causing them to choke on the cherry they were currently eating.

“She’s not my - oh god, why do you know about my wife?” 

“Well, a lady has to have _some_ mysteries,” said Lwaxana, taking a big spoonful of whipped cream. She ate it slowly, raising her eyebrows expectantly. Then her expression softened, and she tilted her head to the side.

“Oh. Oh my dear, I’m terribly sorry-”

“No, it’s okay! It’s a weird situation. But yeah, we basically just… did it to get out of a hard situation. I’m not really all that interested in… well, coupling.”

Lwaxana looked thoughtful, “unfortunately for the both of us my dear, it seems like we have more in the way of common experiences than I thought. You know what though, that makes two of you who aren't interested in coupling," she looked around, her eyes searching, "where is Odo? I’m sure he’s meant to be here. He’s very late.”

“Rob!” 

Savannah, Susan and Ari had wandered into Quark’s, and beelined directly to their table.

“We missed you at lunch,” continued Savannah by way of explanation. Robertson looked at the large pile of ice cream in front of them, and then up at their friends, a sheepish expression on their face.

“...Want a spoon?” they said.

“Help yourselves,” said Lwaxana, ringing the gong, “it’s really quite a lot even for the two of us.”

“Ambassador, this is Susan and Savannah from the tech department, and Ari, who’s a wildlife researcher.”

Ari gave Lwaxana a little wave, and a quiet “hi!”

“Tech department, you say?” said Lwaxana, “is there anything you could do that would attract Constable Odo? I’ve been looking for him all day, and he seems to have disappeared!”

“Are you sure he isn’t avoiding you?” blurted out Susan, and then blushed.

“Oh, undoubtedly,” said Lwaxana, “but not for the reasons you might think! Now, there’s five strips of latinum in it for you if you can get Constable Odo in here.”

Susan slammed her hands down on the table, determination in her eyes.

“I’ve got just the thing.”

*

_BUT WHEN YOU THINK I’VE HAD ENOUGH_

_FROM YOUR SEA OF LOVE_

_I’LL TAKE MORE THAN ANOTHER RIVER FULL_

_YES, AND I’LL MAKE IT ALL-_

“Where is that racket coming from?” shouted Quark, doing his best to block his ears with his hands as the music blared through his bar, rattling the glasses. Robertson had made a quick getaway before the loud noises kicked in, and now Susan, Savannah and Ari were sharing the rest of the sundae, watching the chaos unfold.

As it turned out, Savannah’s aural implants could absolutely be reversed and fed into the speaker system from any part of the station. Even Quark’s bar.

“What’s going on in here?” roared Odo, finally making his appearance. Savannah discreetly tapped herself behind the ear, and the music stopped.

“Constable Odo!” exclaimed Lwaxana Troi. She had established herself at the bar, one hand on the countertop, one hand on her hip.

“Not now Ambassador, I have to get to the bottom of this-”

“Bottom of what? There’s no harm done, some issue with the loudspeaker I guess!” said Lwaxana. She winked at Savannah over her shoulder as she looped an arm under Odo’s and led him outside.

“Now Constable, shall we go to your place or mine?”

“Ambassador…” said Odo, though his gravelly voice wavered somewhat.

“Let’s go with mine, I’m expecting a visitor tonight.”

Odo’s shoulders were slumped in defeat as he allowed himself to be led across the promenade and through to the habitat ring.

*

“There’s nothing to be embarrassed about, you know,” said Lwaxana, “we’re alone now.”

“Hmm,” replied Odo.

The two of them were seated at a table in Lwaxana’s quarters. Lwaxana was sipping at some tea, and Odo had formed part of himself into a full cup so that he could copy her.

“So tell me Odo,” said Lwaxana, all flirtatiousness melting away into a smile that was much gentler, “why did you stop writing?”

Odo looked down into his cup, unwilling to meet her eyes.

“I didn’t have anything to say.”

“Oh, don’t be ridiculous! You have things happening here all the time, I love hearing about what you’re doing.”

Odo shook his head and grunted, taking what was a completely unnecessary swig from his cup.

“When you’re constantly writing about all the wonderful people, the experiences, the adventures, the… everything it is that you put into those letters, it’s hard to imagine you would want to hear about my day. All I have to offer effectively amounts to a list of complaints.”

Lwaxana sighed and put her hand over Odo’s. Her eyes were still and serious.

“If that’s what you have to say, I want to hear it. I worry about you - I haven’t heard from you in so long, I thought maybe something happened. I thought maybe I’d offended you.”

Odo’s lips quirked in an approximation of a smile.

“Considering our past, I think it would take considerably more than a poorly worded letter for you to offend me,” he replied.

“Oh, you!” said Lwaxana, waving him off, “I can’t believe you would tease me like that!”

“I would never,” said Odo, his face once more immovable.

“Before I forget-” Lwaxana reached into the pocket of her dress, taking out the little book she had bought earlier, “I got you a little something.”

“Lwaxana, you didn’t have to-”

“Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland,” she said, pushing the book across the table to him, “maybe now you can have some of your own little adventures to write me about.”

Odo held the book in both hands, his expression unreadable.

“What makes you think you’d want to hear about me talk about this?” he said.

“Because you’re my _friend_ ,” said Lwaxana. She smiled warmly at him, and was pleased to see the same feeling echoed in Odo’s eyes.

Just then, the door chimed.

“Mama Troi, it’s me!” called Giuditta.

“Oh, come in darling!” replied Lwaxana. Giuditta entered, and took in what they were looking at. Their eyes grew huge, and their mouth broke into a huge grin.

“Now Giuditta,” said Lwaxana in alarm, “this isn’t what it looks like-”

“Oh, I don’t have anything about Changeling and Betazoid relations in my database! Are you two going to be compatible?” 

They looked Odo up and down in delight.

“Once you’ve completed your coupling, could you give me the exact nature of how you-”

“Giuditta-” said Lwaxana

“And how big your-”

“Giuditta!” said Lwaxana

“Oh, can you change the shape of your-”

“ _Giuditta_!” said Lwaxana, trying very hard not to tear up from the effort of holding back her laughter. Across from her, Odo was frozen to the spot, stricken.

“Sorry, I got carried away. Do you want me to come back later? I’ll come back later!” they said, their grin unfading.

“If you would that would be lovely dear.”

“Okay! Please let me know though, I’m very keen to know what sorts of shapes he can manage with his-”

“ _Goodbye_ , Giuditta!”


End file.
